Career Suicide
by For All That Remains
Summary: The war is over, and the Alliance has decided to retire the Normandy. Predictably, Shepard and the crew have other ideas. How bad could doing odd jobs for random strangers and old acquaintances be? As it turns out, very bad. Rated mainly for language and violence.


Shepard stared at his crew. He had asked all of them to assemble in the CIC for a briefing, and they had all obliged, though some had to be dragged up kicking and screaming. He cast a quick glance at Garrus, who was still sulking at being dragged away from the turret.

"Commander, perhaps you could tell us why we're here, now?" Javik asked.

"Yeah. You've been glaring at Garrus for the past few minutes," Vega added.

"Really? Has it been that long?" Shepard asked, causing both of them to nod. "Damn. Well, anyway, thanks for coming and all that, blah blah blah, boring Alliance protocols, name-calling, role-taking, etcetera, etcetera. We're here for one reason, and one reason only. Anybody wanna take a guess?"

Liara sheepishly raised a hand, and Shepard signaled for her to answer. "Kasumi finally put those pictures of you and Tali on the extranet?"

"No, I intercepted them before she got a chance to. I also may or may not have thrown one of her priceless statues out the airlock."

"Why did no one tell me of this?" Javik asked.

"Anyway," Shepard continued, "we're here because the Alliance is finally shutting us down."

Everyone immediately began protesting. It started off quiet at first, but quickly grew in volume until Joker had to remind everyone that flying a gigantic space ship took concentration. Shepard was quick to put a stop to it once he noticed everyone preparing to throw their chairs at the pilot.

"I understand your anger. Frankly, I think it's bullshit, too. That's why I have a plan," he said.

They all exchanged nervous looks, causing Shepard to glance at Tali, confused. She shrugged, indicating that she wasn't sure what was going on.

"Is there a problem?" he asked.

Nobody spoke. Shepard let out a sigh.

"Garrus, is there a problem?"

The turian gave a small jump at being called on. He looked like he was about to sink back into the crowd, until Vega pushed him forward, with Javik's help. He glared at the two of them, but then turned back to Shepard.

"It's just that…you know, you're planning something. Usually Alliance high command tells you what to do, you do it, and everyone's fine. When you make plans, things kind of go to shit," Garrus said.

"I know. I don't exactly have a good history with these things, I admit it. But this time is different. This time, I have a good plan, one that I know will work."

"Really?" Kaidan asked, surprised. "What is it?"

"They want us to return the ship, right? So, here's what we do; we call the Alliance, and tell them to suck our collective dicks. Then, we take the ship, and fly somewhere warm and sunny, where we spend the rest of our days eating seafood and making jokes about dead Reapers."

"Hold that thought," Vega said, as he approached Joker. "Yeah, can you land the ship really quick? I want to get off."

"We're in the middle of space," Joker said.

"Open the cargo bay, then. Anywhere's better than here."

"Oh, come on!" Shepard said, throwing his hands up in frustration. "It'll work, just give it a chance! Tali, tell them it will work."

"I don't know if it will work, but it's better than turning the ship over to the Alliance," she said.

"See? Tali thinks it will work."

"That's not what I-"

"Thank you for your support, Tali."

"Bosh'tet."

"Anyway," Shepard said, "she's on board with it. Anyone else?"

Garrus shrugged. "How bad could it be? This ship has escape pods, after all. When the Alliance comes to shoot us down for stealing the ship, we'll just use those. It worked for the collectors, after all."

"I am with the commander until death," Javik said, as he stepped forward.

"Okay, Garrus and Javik are in, though I might need to talk to Javik later on about personal space. Liara, are you in?"

"Thessia was destroyed by Reapers, Shepard. I need to help them rebuild," she said.

"Come on! Please? For me?" Shepard asked.

"No."

"You still owe me a favor for that whole incident with the Shadow Broker, you know."

"Fine!" she said. "But I'm mad at you."

"Noted. Kaidan, James? You in?"

Kaidan rubbed the back of his head nervously. "Look, Shepard, I think your idea is great and all, but I'm really allergic to explosions, and I think the Alliance will send more than a few of those our way if we do this."

"Did someone say 'allergy'?" Doctor Chakwas said, poking her head out of the elevator.

"It was a joke, doctor," Shepard said.

"Fine. But I'm here in case one of you gets sick," she said, as she took the elevator back down.

"So, did anyone else notice that the elevator travelled about a thousand times faster and more silently with her in it just now?" Garrus asked.

Shepard ignored him. "Come on, Kaidan. You were kind of a dick to me on Horizon, you know."

"You would bring that back up," Kaidan said.

"Hey, nothing like a good friend reminding you of something you'd rather forget. You know how to make it up to me, right?" Shepard asked.

Kaidan sighed. "Fine, count me in."

"Awesome. Now, James? Are you in?"

"Do I have much of a choice?" he asked.

"Not really, no."

"Then I guess I'm in."

"Wonderful!" Shepard said, as he brought his hands together. "First stop is Omega. We're going to go see Aria."

"Why are we going to go see Aria?" Tali asked.

Shepard looked at her, confused, before he finally remembered. "Oh, yeah! I forgot to say; since we're no longer part of the Alliance, we can no longer take any jobs they offer us. Also, our pensions have been cut, our retirement plans have been cancelled, and that beachfront property we all invested in has been foreclosed on."

"Damn!" Vega said. "I really wanted that condo!"

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Liara asked.

"That we're totally broke, in every sense of the word? Yeah, that's exactly what I'm saying," Shepard said.

"You could always sell those guns you never use," Tali pointed out.

"No!" Shepard said. "Nobody touches my guns! Especially not you, Garrus!"

"What the hell did I do?" Garrus asked.

"I saw you eyeballing the Revenant and the Black Widow!"

"Can you blame me?"

"…No, not really. Still, don't touch them. I'll fight you."

"Whatever you say, Shepard."

"What about Liara's Shadow Broker funds?" James asked.

"I used them all up during the war with the Reapers. I was hoping the Alliance would reimburse me for it, but they keep sending hitmen after me, so I guess that's not going to happen," Liara said.

"Doesn't the quarian have connections to her peoples' Admiralty Board? Could she not simply ask them for credits?" Javik asked.

"I have a name, you know," Tali said, "and yes, I could. I've tried many times, in fact."

"And they said no?" Garrus asked.

"No, they never answered my calls. They actually stopped talking to me after we retook Rannoch. Whenever I call them, all I get is Admiral Xen laughing maniacally."

"Well, shit, I guess we really _are _broke, then," Garrus said.

"Exactly," Shepard said. "That's why we're going to Omega. Garrus and Tali, you're both with me."

Everyone groaned, causing the three of them to look around, confused.

"Why do you only ever take those two?" Liara asked.

"That's not true!" Shepard said.

"Yes, it is," Kaidan said.

"Fine, maybe it is. But it's only because I like them the most."

"Fair enough," Vega said. "If anyone needs me, I'll be down in the cargo bay, rearranging my weights. Can you believe that those mercs messed up my weights? I can't."

"I'll be in my quarters, washing my hands," Javik said.

"I'll be trying to find people to solicit money from," Liara said.

"I'll be wondering why you wanted me here if you're never going to take me with you," Kaidan said.

"So are you two ready to go?" Shepard asked, turning towards Tali and Garrus.

"Sure. Not like I was in the middle of something," Tali said, angrily.

"You're mad at me, aren't you?" Shepard asked.

"I just wish you had told me that we were bankrupt earlier."

"We're not bankrupt, we just don't have any money. 'Financially challenged' is a much better term."

"What made me fall in love with you, again?"

"My dashing good looks, my amazing way with words, and my great personality?"

"Oh yeah, that's right," Tali said, "it was pity."

"You know, your words hurt sometimes."

"Shepard, please. I get to joke too, you know."

"Sure, but you're much more mean about it."

"I'm still here, you know," Garrus said.

"Yeah, but if I ask you if you're ready, you'll tell me no, and then I'll have to wait six hours while you mess around with a fuckhuge gun. So, you're coming, whether you like it or not."

"All I have is a pistol, Shepard."

"And what a fine pistol it is. Now get your ass out of the ship."

"But what if I need to shoot something far away?" Garrus asked, as Shepard pushed him into the decontamination chamber.

"You couldn't hit anything with a rifle, anyway. You're a thirty-yard kind of guy," Shepard said.

"Insults? Really, Shepard?" Garrus asked.

"Hey, it distracted you from the fact that there's no decontamination chamber anymore."

"Wait, what?" Garrus asked. Sure enough, where there once was a decontamination chamber, there was now just a small ramp leading down to the floor.

"What do you think? I had them remove it before they threw me in prison," Shepard said.

"Isn't this dangerous? What if someone brings scale-itch onto the ship, or something?" Garrus asked.

"Are you kidding? You saw how vigilant Doctor Chakwas is nowadays, didn't you?" Shepard said.

"But what about Tali? Isn't it dangerous when you guys have sex?"

"I've acquired an immunity to humans, due to how much time I spend around Shepard without my suit on. I could probably walk around without it most of the time if you, Liara, and Javik weren't on the ship," Tali said.

"Wait, really?" Shepard said. "I've changed my mind. Garrus, you can stay here on Omega, if you want. Take Liara and Javik with you, too."

"Too late, commander. You're stuck with us," Garrus said.

"Damn. Let's just go find Aria, then," Shepard said.

They followed the familiar path to the nightclub, where they were stopped by a doorman in a suit. Shepard glanced at the man, confused.

"This is new," he said.

"Yes, sir, we are aware that this is a strange arrangement. However, allow me to explain," the man in the suit said. "When Cerberus took over the station, they changed most of the nightclubs into five-star gourmet restaurants. When Miss T'Loak took control of the station once again, she attempted to change things back to the way they were before. Most of the people told her that they rather enjoyed living like douchebags with too much money, so Aria kept it the way it was, though she isn't too happy about it. Would you like to see her?"

"Sure," Shepard said.

"The wait time on a meeting with Miss T'Loak is four years, minimum."

"Four years? But I need to not be poor now!" Shepard protested.

"Terribly sorry, sir, but you'll have to come back later."

"Oh, I'll be back, or my name isn't John Shepard!"

"Shepard?" the man in the suit said, before bringing up his omni-tool, "you're on the VIP list. Please, go on in."

"Wait, really? Cool," Shepard said, before being stopped by the man once again.

"Terribly sorry, sir, but some of the riff-raff appears to have followed you," the man said, as he pointed towards Tali, "shall I inform the racist security guards?"

"That's my girlfriend!" Shepard shouted.

"I fail to see the difference, sir."

"Riff-raff generally doesn't carry around a shotgun that's been banned in Citadel space," Tali said, gesturing towards the Wraith shotgun on her back.

"Terribly sorry, miss. Please, go on ahead."

"Thank you," she said, as she grabbed one of Shepard's arms, and stepped into the restaurant.

"You're much more intimidating nowadays. I like it," Shepard said.

"I guess you're rubbing off on me," she said.

"Maybe I am. Now, where is Aria?"

"Found her," Garrus said, pointing towards the back.

"That was fast," Tali said.

"It was easy. All I had to do was look for the one asari that's pissed off, no matter what."

"Good job, Garrus," Shepard said. "Now, let's go talk to her."

"Are you sure? There are a lot of tables here, and you know how it is; whenever you try and walk behind someone's chair in a restaurant, they will always choose that exact moment to get up and go to the bathroom," Garrus said.

Shepard let out an exasperated sigh. "Garrus, you and I both know that's bullshit."

"Is it, though?"

"Yes, it is. Now, come on, you big baby."

"I think I'll just wait here, if that's okay with you."

Shepard scowled. "Really, dude? Are you a man or a mouse?"

"Squeak, squeak."

"Very funny. Come on, Tali. We've got money to earn."

Shepard took a few steps forward, and came upon the first of many tables. He began walking past it, only for the turian sitting in the chair to push it back in an attempt to stand up. The chair collided with Shepard's leg, and both men turned to look at each other.

"Sorry," Shepard said.

"My bad," the turian said, as he walked over to the men's room.

Shepard noticed Garrus holding back laughter, and turned to face him. "That was a coincidence!" He snapped.

"Whatever you say, commander."

"Ignore him," Tali said, as she followed Shepard's path.

Unfortunately, it seemed that, for once, Garrus was right. Every time Shepard tried to move past a table, one of the occupants would rise up to use the bathroom, and every time one of the occupants rose up to use the bathroom, their chair collided with his leg. By the time they reached the end, Shepard's leg was almost entirely covered in bruises.

"Shepard, are you okay?" Tali asked.

"I'm fine," Shepard said, as he blinked back tears. He had been shot, stabbed, blown up, run over, and disintegrated, but none of it compared to having several dozen chairs back into his leg. It was a pain beyond measure.

Tali stared at him, concerned. "We can go back, if you'd like."

"No! Let's just go to Aria," he said, as he hobbled over to the asari.

"Commander Shepard," she said, as he approached, "what do you want?"

"Oh, you know, I was in the neighborhood and just wanted to say hi. Also, give me work that pays well," Shepard said.

"Fine. The battle with the Reapers severely depleted my forces, and now I've got nobody willing to run operations for me. I have a package that's being delivered. Head to the lower wards, and pick it up for me. Then, bring it back here," she said.

"Sounds easy. What's the catch?" Shepard said, as he checked to confirm that he got the message.

"The catch is that you're going to the lower wards on Omega. Even I don't go there without an armed escort."

"I see. And what's the pay?"

"Substantial. We're talking a minimum of a hundred thousand credits. If you bring me back a little something extra, I'll throw in some more."

Shepard whistled. A hundred thousand credits? That was enough to buy a new condo.

"We are not buying a condo," Tali said.

"How did you know I was thinking that?" Shepard asked.

"Lover's intuition, I guess. But still, we're not buying a condo."

"Fine. Aria, we'll pick up your package," Shepard said. "Though, I do have a question."

"Go ahead."

"Is there a back exit to this place? I'm not wading through tables again."

"To the left."

"Thanks."

* * *

The lower wards. Never before has there ever been such a wretched hive of scum and villainy. So infectious is the crime spree here that even the narrator just committed one by stealing the description for the lower wards from Star Wars.

"Shepard, I'm not sure about this," Tali said, as the three of them walked through one of the many alley ways.

"Why'd you make us go through a dark alley, again?" Garrus asked.

Shepard let out an annoyed sigh. "I already explained this, Garrus; the people who live here aren't your average, everyday scumbags. These people are expert scumbags. They re-define what it means to be a scumbag. They know all the tricks of the trade. Fortunately, I know them better. I used to roll with a gang, you know."

"Yes, I know. You tell us all the time."

"I know, isn't it awesome? Anyway, I know how these people work; you enter the area, and you're immediately forced to choose between the dark alley or the comparatively brightly lit street. They know nobody in their right mind would pick the alley, so they set up on the street, instead. Scumbag 101, right here."

"If we get robbed, I'm blaming you," Tali said.

"You would've done that anyway, Tali. Besides, nobody's gonna rob us."

Garrus groaned. "You had to say it."

"Say what?" Shepard asked.

"Now that you said that nobody will rob us, somebody is going to rob us. You pressed our luck, and now it's going to bite us in the ass."

Shepard rolled his eyes. "You're being dramatic. Look, we're almost there. I can see the warehouse from here."

"Aria wants us to go to a warehouse?" Tali asked.

"Is that a problem?"

"Kind of, yeah. Nothing good ever happens in a warehouse. I should know, I played Condemned."

"I don't think we'll have to worry about meth addicts and hoboes trying to bash our skulls in with blunt instruments, Tali. Real life isn't a video game."

"Then how did you manage to roll out of the way of that Reaper laser on Rannoch, but couldn't do it any other time?"

"Real life isn't _always _a video game, Tali."

"Can we move on, the suspense is unbearable," Garrus said, as he approached the door to the warehouse.

"Fine," Shepard said, "but you go in first."

"All I have is a pistol."

"And what a fine-"

"Enough!" Tali said. "I'll go in first. I have a shotgun."

"And what a fine shotgun it-"

"Shepard!"

"Okay, okay. In all honesty, that shotgun is really nice, though."

"Keep me covered," Tali said, as she gently pushed the door open with her gun.

The three of them entered the darkly-lit room, weapons at the ready. It all proved to be worthless, however, since there was nothing in there aside from boxes of junk.

"What is all this stuff?" Garrus asked, as he approached one of the boxes. "Shepard, what's UPS?"

"I don't know, but they must not have very good service if their packages are stuck here," Shepard said. "Now, where's Aria's stuff?"

"Is there a light switch in here somewhere?" Tali asked, panic in her voice.

"Tali, for the thousandth time, Condemned is just a video game. There are no meth addicts or homeless people out to get you…unless you count vorcha."

"That's what FBI agent Ethan Thomas thought, and look what happened to him!" She said, as she began feeling around for a switch.

"He…ended up in a farmhouse being chased by a serial killer who killed serial killers, and the personification of his evil side?"

"Exactly!"

"Why are you even bothering to look for a switch, anyway? Can't you just use your omni-tool? It seems capable of doing just about everything else."

"Oh, yeah," she said, as she brought up her omni-tool. A moment later, the lights flickered on. "Thanks, Shepard."

"It's what I do. Now, let's find Aria's-"

"Found it!" Garrus said, as he gestured towards a large box.

"That was fast."

"Well, it wasn't hard to find. It had 'For Aria' written on it, so I figured it was what we needed."

"Well, we got what we came for. Might as well leave," Shepard said, as he opened the door.

…Just in time to run into a krogan.

"Hello, whelp," the krogan said. "I believe you have something I want," he said, pointing towards the box behind Garrus.

Shepard stared at him. "What, you want Garrus? Look, I'm all for species comingling, but-"

"No!" The krogan said. "What's wrong with you?"

"Good question," Garrus said. "We don't really know."

"Shut it, Vakarian," Shepard said.

"Look, give me that package you're carrying, and I promise I'll let you go," the krogan said.

"How very merciful of you," Tali said.

"I'm in a good mood today. I recommend you leave while you still can."

"Yeah, see, here's the problem," Shepard said, "I'm being paid a fair sum of cash to bring this thing back to somebody. Also, my pistol is currently pointed at your groin, so unless you want that Genophage cure to have been for nothing, I suggest you back off."

"The human makes a fair point," one of the krogan's allies, a vorcha, said.

The krogan hesitated, before finally backing down. "You'll regret this, human."

"I can't tell you how many times someone has said that to me. I can, however, tell you how many times I've actually regretted it. Garrus, tell the nice krogan how many times I've regretted it."

"He's regretted it zero times," Garrus said.

"I've regretted it zero times. Thank you, Garrus. Now pick up that box."

"Why do I always have to do the heavy lifting?" Garrus protested, as he picked up the box.

Shepard ignored him. "Now, I suggest all of you piss off. If I see you again, I'll have Tali here shotgun your balls off."

Tali pumped her shotgun as if to punctuate his statement, but since she had a thermal clip loaded, all it did was waste one of the few shots the magazine was capable of holding, because life isn't a movie, and pumping a shotgun with a shell in the chamber is a good way to waste a shot. Still, it looked cool, and that must have been enough, since it sent the krogan and his friends running.

"Think we've seen the last of them?" Garrus asked.

"Hell no. We probably should've just killed them, now that I think about it. I mean, they're definitely going to come looking for us eventually, and in the meantime, who knows how many people they'll victimize until then? I think we might have seriously messed up," Shepard said.

"We can still hunt them down, you know," Tali said, as she put away her shotgun. "They can't have gotten very far."

"We could, but I want to get paid and take an overly long shower afterwards, because overly long showers are amazing," Shepard said. "Garrus, can you handle that box on your own?"

"No," the turian said, as he began to strain under its weight.

"Good. Follow us."

"Shepard, I need help!" Garrus said.

"Oh, fine," Shepard said. He holstered his pistol, and then picked up the box from the other side. "Geez, what's in this thing?"

"It is Aria we're talking about. Probably a bomb, or something," Tali said.

"We'll worry about that later. For now, let's just get this thing back to her," Shepard said, as the three of them began walking to the exit.

"You know, if someone were to try and mug us right now, there's not much we could do about it," Garrus said, causing Shepard to groan.

"Hey Garrus?"

"Yes, Shepard?"

"Shut the hell up."

* * *

"You're back," Aria said, as the trio approached with her box of unknown objects.

"Yeah. You need to tell us more next time; we were warned that the place was a shithole, but you didn't say just how much of a shithole it was," Shepard said, as he massaged his right shoulder. Even with Garrus helping, the box was much heavier than it looked.

"Regardless, you've retrieved my items for me. Here," Aria said, as she handed over a credit chit.

"Thanks. Now, if you don't mind me asking; what the fuck is in that box?" Shepard asked.

"Take a look for yourself," Aria said, as she took the lid off.

Shepard took one look inside, then glared at her. "You've gotta be fucking kidding."

"No, that's it," Aria said.

"What is it?" Tali asked.

"Spoons. Hundreds and hundreds of spoons. Aria, what the fuck?"

"This _is _a restaurant, you know. We use spoons in restaurants," she said, sarcastically.

"Yes, I know. But really, just spoons? No forks, or anything?"

"This is a five-star restaurant. Nobody here _chews _their food. That's just uncivil," she said, as she took a drink from a glass sitting next to her.

"I ran into a krogan on the way back. He tried stealing your silverware. Who the hell was he, and should I be concerned?" Shepard asked.

Aria laughed. "He's a nobody. Don't worry about it."

"Bullshit. What are you not telling me?"

"I'm not telling you nothing, especially not nothing about a krogan, who I've already told you is a nobody that's worth nothing."

"That…uh…give me a moment to think about what that means, exactly."

"Take your time," Aria said, as she took another drink.

"…Are you drinking iced tea?" Shepard asked.

"Maybe. Now, are you going to sit here and gawk, or are you going to get the hell out of my restaurant?"

"You're taking this whole 'five-star restaurant' thing a bit too far, you know."

"_Leave._"

"Alright, geez," Shepard said, as he backed away from the asari. "Come on guys, we're leaving."

The three of them approached the endless sea of tables once more. Shepard took a deep breath, and began the painful walk back through them. Someone went to get up from their seat, but Shepard grabbed them by their shoulders and forced them back down. They shot him a questioning look, but backed down when they saw him glaring back.

"Not this time," Shepard said, in a low voice. "Never again."

* * *

"So, Shepard," Tali said, as she paced around his quarters, omni-tool in hand, "I've run the numbers on those credits we got from Aria."

"And?" he asked.

"Well, you didn't get her anything extra, so she only paid us the minimum amount."

"Secondary objectives are for losers," Shepard said.

She looked at him, confused, but continued on. "Now, after deducting the credits we will need to perform routine maintenance on the ship, since the Alliance isn't funding that anymore, that leaves us with a grand total of twenty credits left over."

"What does that mean?"

"It means that we have to find high-paying jobs in order to keep the ship running the way it used to. Also, everyone is going to be eating ramen for a while, since that's all we can afford."

"Never mind that, there are more pressing matters at hand," Shepard said.

"Like what?"

"Can we get naked now? My zipper is killing me."

She laughed.

"I mean it."

"I know. Give me a minute. Or ten. The suit takes a while to get off, you know."

"Take your time."

There was a knock at the door, and Shepard quickly opened it. Tali hid in the bathroom, so nobody would see her without her mask.

"What do you want?" Shepard asked, as Garrus entered the room.

"I just wanted to inform you that the police are blocking us in, and that they are going to be busting through the door in a few seconds," Garrus said.

"Omega has a police force?" Shepard asked.

"I know, I was also surprised. Seriously though, you should probably go deal with this."

"Fine," Shepard said, angrily. He stepped over to the bathroom door, and knocked on it a few times.

"What is it?" Tali asked, from behind the door.

"The cops are here. Apparently they're looking for me," Shepard said.

"Again?"

"I guess so. There's approximately a zero percent chance of any of this going well, and I'd like you there for moral support, so if you could get dressed, that'd be great."

"Fine. Give me a few minutes."

"I don't think we have that kind of time," Garrus said.

"Garrus? Why are you in Shepard's cabin?" Tali asked.

"Because he told me he wanted to make things a bit kinkier tonight," Garrus said, earning him a hard punch in the arm from Shepard.

"He's here because he's the one who informed me that the cops are looking for me. Why the fuck didn't you just use the intercom, again?" Shepard asked.

"Because that thing has never worked right ever since EDI died," Garrus said, as he rubbed his arm. "Damn, I forgot how hard you can punch. Anyway, I think the police have broken in by now."

"What makes you say that?" Shepard asked.

"Because someone is pointing a rifle at me, and it's not Zaeed, because he isn't on the ship anymore."

"Wait, what?" Shepard asked, as he turned around. Sure enough, there was a group of five heavily armed police officers with their weapons pointed directly at him.

"We're going to need you to come with us," one of them said.

"Just a moment," Shepard said, as he knocked on the bathroom door again.

"What is it this time?" Tali asked.

"Yeah, the cops are here. I'd ask you to shoot all of them, but something tells me that'll just make things worse."

She sighed. "Fine. I'll be out in a few seconds."

Shepard turned back towards Garrus, just as he felt a pair of omni-cuffs close around his wrists. "You know, I think you're right about the elevator. It does sometimes move more quickly and silently for no reason. Tali, when we get out of jail, you should take a look at that."

"Shut up," one of the officers said.

Shepard glared at him, until he felt a rifle poke him in the back. Begrudgingly, he started walking towards the elevator. They all piled in, and someone hit the button to go down to the CIC. Shepard couldn't help but be pissed at the person sticking their gun into his back.

"You know, I just dodged a fucking giant laser a few weeks ago, and everything is still sore. So, if you could not poke me, that'd be great," Shepard said. He received a full-on jab from the officer's rifle in response.

The elevator doors open, and everyone stepped out. Shepard was dismayed to see the entire crew staring at him.

"Wait a second," he asked, as he turned to the officer closest to him, "how come they get to go free, but the three of us don't?" he asked.

"None of them picked up Aria's package," the man replied.

"You realize that package contained silverware, right?"

"It was still Aria's package, and therefore, it was still a crime."

"You seriously expect me to believe that it's a crime for anyone to give Aria a package?"

Garrus coughed, and Shepard turned to face him. "Citadel bylaw number four," the turian said.

"This is Omega!"

"We follow Citadel laws here," another one of the officers said.

"That's bullshit."

"Commander!" Javik said, as he pushed his way to the front of the crowd.

"Oh, here we go," Shepard muttered.

If Javik heard him, he didn't seem to care. "Commander, you appear to be in some kind of trouble, unless this is some bizarre human ritual I am not acquainted with. Either way, do you require assistance?"

"It's fine, just wait here for a bit. Wash your hands until then, or something," Shepard said.

"Very well. I shall remain here, until you return," the prothean said.

"Huh," Tali said, "that was surprisingly simple."

"Alright, enough chatter," another of the officers said. "Pick up the pace, or I'll taze you."

"You guys still carry stun guns around? What is this, the twenty-first century? Real men use neurotoxins," Garrus said.

"I think the idea is to take the suspect alive, Garrus," Tali said.

"Then they aren't using neurotoxin the right way," Garrus said, as the three of them were forced out of the ship and into the hangar, where a shuttle waited for them.

Shepard stared at the ship, feeling as though something wasn't right. "Guys, I don't think this is a standard police shuttle."

"You'd be right," one of the officers said.

"I knew it! Also, that was a really stupid thing to say."

"Well, we have guns and you don't. Also, our boss would like to talk with you."

"Really?" Shepard asked, as he turned around.

"Remember me, whelp?" a familiar voice asked.

"Hell yeah. You're that krogan I threatened to castrate twenty minutes ago. I knew you'd come back, but I didn't think it'd be this soon."

"Nice to see you too," the krogan said, as he shoved Shepard into a skycar.

"Whoa, calm down there, Casanova, you haven't even bought me dinner yet," Shepard said, as he settled into his seat.

"Shepard, you realize we're being kidnapped, right?" Garrus asked, as one of the fake police officers forced him into the car.

"Honestly, I've known that since the beginning. The fact that the police officers are all vorcha was enough."

"What?" Garrus asked, as he looked out the window. Sure enough, all the officers were vorcha. "Huh. Guess you're right."

"Of course I'm right, I'm Commander Shepard," Shepard said, as he watched the vorcha push Tali in next to Garrus. "So nice of you to join us, miss Vas Normandy."

"Shepard, you realize we're being-"

"Yeah, Garrus already told me."

"And that the police officers are all-"

"Also knew that, but good try. Just use your magical omni-tool of amazingness to get us the hell out of here."

"I can't."

"Why?"

"Because my hands are currently being held by omni-cuffs."

"Oh, yeah."

"Can both of you shut up, it's becoming impossible to tell who's speaking," Garrus said, as the car started to move.

"Oh, was our conversation bothering you?" Shepard asked.

"Just a little."

"Quiet back there!" the krogan said, causing Shepard to let out a sigh.

"Alright buddy, I'll say it once; let us out of the car, and I promise not to gauge out your eyeballs and skull-fuck you," he said.

The krogan glared at him, before turning his attention back to the road. "Not like you can do anything, with those omni-cuffs around your wrists."

"The rest of my crew will help me. Wait, why didn't you take the rest of the crew, again?"

"Because you three were the only ones there, and we wanted it to look like an official arrest, so as to draw less attention to ourselves," the krogan explained.

"Really? Dude, you're on Omega. You could shoot a man in broad daylight and fuck the exit wound, and nobody would care. Also, since when are krogan subtle? I know that you're trying to intimidate me with your genius, but this is just the worst kind of amateur hour," Shepard said.

"What's this about, anyway?" Tali asked. "Silverware, right? Why not just buy your own spoons?"

"Those weren't just any spoons. Do you idiots not realize what you delivered to Aria?" the krogan asked, as he swerved to avoid a floating stop sign.

The three exchanged glances, but none of them answered.

"Figures," the krogan said.

"Well, are you going to explain it to us, or not?" Garrus asked.

"Maybe I will, maybe I won't."

"Oh, I see how it is," Shepard said, before Garrus had a chance to respond. "Well, let's start a bit farther back, then. Who the hell are you, and why do you have a spoon fetish?"

"Hey, spooning is cute as fuck," Garrus said.

"Garrus, shut the fuck up for ten seconds and let the krogan talk."

The krogan let out a low growl. "You three are annoying. Especially you, quarian," he said, as he glared at Tali through the rear-view mirror.

"What did I do?" Tali asked.

"I don't know, but whatever it was, don't do it again. As for names, I'm Varlok Kavarog."

"Nice to meet you, Kavarog. Maybe you should take these omni-cuffs off, so we can shake hands and properly introduce ourselves," Shepard said.

The krogan chuckled. "Nice try. I've been in this business since before your grandparents were conceived, I know all the tricks in the book. I recommend you stop trying to use the quarian's omni-tool, turian."

Garrus stared at Kavarog, open-mouthed. "How did you-"

"I told you, I've been doing this for a long time. Every time I pick up a quarian, it takes about thirty seconds before the other guy is trying to use their omni-tool to overload the cuffs."

"You keep talking about your job. What exactly do you do?" Tali asked.

"I'm a cleaner. Whenever someone has something they want to go away, I make it go away," Kavarog said, as he swerved to avoid a limousine. "Ha! Did you see that asshole? I'll give it five minutes before the vorcha are tearing the doors off that thing and chewing the upholstery."

Shepard decided to ignore his comment about the limo. "Wait, so you're making us disappear because of spoons?"

"I guess you could say that. Fuck it, I might as well explain the whole thing. Those spoons you gave to Aria? They're defective," Kavarog said.

"Defective?" Garrus asked. "It's a spoon. You pick things up with it and then put it in your mouth until there's nothing left on your plate to pick up. How do you mess that up?"

"Monumentally, that's how," Kavarog spat. "Some genius at the company who designed those things figured out that it would be cheaper to manufacture the spoons with lead instead of steel. You try and eat cereal with one of those things, and you get a nice healthy dose of lead poisoning to go with it."

"That makes no sense," Tali said. "There must have been some lawyers who told them that was a bad idea."

"Well, the lawyers crunched the numbers, and figured out that, even with all the lawsuits, they'd still make a large profit, as long as they made only a certain number of spoons out of the set with pure lead."

"Then why even send you in?" Shepard asked.

"Manufacturing error. Some dumbass carried a three in the wrong place, and the result was that almost every single spoon was made out of lead. Nobody noticed until they checked the shipping manifest. My job was to pick it up at the warehouse before Aria got to it. As you can see, that didn't happen," Kavarog said, as he glared at Tali again. "I don't appreciate threats against my dick, by the way."

"Get over it," Shepard said. "So, what? Do you want us to help you, or something?"

"No, I want you to go somewhere that's so far out of the way, you won't be able to interfere with my plans."

"Why not just kill us?" Garrus asked.

Kavarog paused. "Good point," he said, as he flashed a smile at Garrus.

Garrus tried to respond, but the angry glares from his two comrades kept him from saying anything else. Instead, he settled for sulking in his seat.

Shepard exchanged glances with Tali. He had been slowly formulating a plan, but he needed a distraction in order for it to work. He nodded towards her legs, and then towards the driver's seat in front of her. She tilted her head, confused, causing him to do it again.

"I don't know what you're doing," she said.

"Oh, for the love of fuck," Garrus said, before adding in a much more quiet voice, "he wants you to use those amazingly flexible quarian legs to choke out the driver before he can land and shoot us all in the back of the head."

"Oh," Tali said, "why didn't you just say so?"

"Because the driver is literally less than a foot away from us," Shepard said. "Just wait for a distraction, then do it."

"What kind of distraction are we talking?" Garrus asked.

A sudden pounding on the driver's side window caused them all to turn their heads towards it. To everyone's surprise, a bearded man in tattered clothes with really bad teeth was banging a metal cup against the window, with a crazed look in his eyes.

"Spare change!" the man shouted.

Kavarog stared at him, surprised. "I don't carry change, human! Nobody carries change! All we have are credit chits. How did you get up here, anyway? We're a mile up in the air!"

"Spare chaaaaaaaaaaaange!" the man screamed, as he once again began pounding against the window, this time even more violently than the first.

Shepard didn't waste any time. "Tali, do it now!"

Tali nodded, and then wrapped her legs around the Kavarog's head. The krogan immediately began thrashing about as his air supply was cut off, and began punching Tali's left leg as hard as he could.

"Shepard, this isn't good! I don't think she can last against something like that!" Garrus said.

"She's fine, trust me," Shepard said.

There was a loud, sickening crack, followed by Tali screaming.

"On second thought, maybe she isn't," he said.

"Shepard, help!" Tali yelled, as she stared at her broken leg. The bone was sticking out of a tear in the suit, although there was surprisingly little blood for an injury that severe.

"How? My hands are bound!" Shepard shouted.

"Now you've done it, you bitch!" Kavarog shouted, as he reached towards the quarian, intent on choking the life out of her.

He never got the chance, however. A lone gunshot echoed through the car, and the krogan slumped over, a hole in the back of his head.

"Where the hell did that come from?" Garrus shouted.

"Change!" the bearded man outside the car said, as he reached into Kavarog's pocket and pulled out his credit chit. He pocketed the chit and the handgun he had just used, and began walking away from the car.

The car, now driver-less, immediately began to hurtle towards the ground. Shepard was too busy trying to console Tali, but Garrus saw his chance and took it. He grabbed the wheel with his legs and turned it sharply to the right, saving them from becoming little more than a smear on the ground.  
The tradeoff, however, was that they were now pointed towards an office building.

"Garrus, you idiot!" Shepard said.

"Hey, I don't see you doing anything!" Garrus shouted, as he tried once again to grab the steering wheel with his legs. In his haste, he ended up hitting the accelerator instead.

"Brace for impact!" Shepard shouted, as the skycar smashed its way through the exterior of the building, before coming to a stop in a row of cubicles.

* * *

"Ow, my aching _everything,_" Shepard said, as he rose from the smoldering wreckage of the skycar. He took a brief look around, and let out a whistle. "I'll be damned," he said.

There, on the wall in front of the ruined car, was a large advertisement for Fornax magazine. This particular advertisement seemed to be a teaser for a special edition, turians-only release. Shepard didn't particularly care, though; all he saw were naked turian girls.

"Hey, Garrus, come take a look at this," Shepard said, as he turned back towards the wreckage.

"Shepard, Tali is unconscious. Also, her leg is still broken, and she's probably sick. You should probably do something about that," Garrus said, as he examined the quarian.

"She's not sick, those suits seal off ruptures automatically. Plus, she's got a repair kit and some medi-gel in one of her many pockets."

"That's cool and all, but our hands are still bound by omni-cuffs, and Tali's omni-tool was destroyed in the crash. How are we supposed to get the gel or the kit without our hands?" Garrus asked.

"Garrus, we are in the office for the largest porn company in the entire galaxy. I would be very surprised if there wasn't an omni-tool loaded with handcuff release codes in one of these desks," Shepard said, as he opened the nearest desk. "Well, speak of the devil."

"That was fast," Garrus said.

"Yeah, well, the guy has naked turians hanging up above his desk. I'd be surprised if he wasn't the kinkiest guy here. Now give me a minute while I push random buttons and hope I hit the right one, since I can't see what the fuck I'm doing," Shepard said, as he began to mash buttons.

"You're really pushing our luck, you know," Garrus pointed out.

Shepard felt the omni-cuffs around his wrists disappear, and smiled at the turian. "Well, it hasn't run out yet. Now hold still while I get yours off."

Garrus nodded, and felt the weight on his wrists disappear after a few seconds. Shepard then turned towards Tali, and deactivated her omni-cuffs. Once that was done, he threw the omni-tool away, and ran towards her unconscious form.

"Okay," he said, as he began searching through her pockets, "where do you keep the medi-gel?"

"Don't you have some?" Garrus asked.

"Hell no. That stuff gets you high as fuck, and is supposed to be used only in an emergency, or so Doctor Chakwas tells me. Either way, I'm not allowed to carry it anymore," Shepard said.

He felt something in one of her pockets, and immediately pulled it out. Sure enough, it was the gel. He wasted no time in opening the package, and pouring all of it on the exposed bone.

"I don't think that's how you're supposed to use that stuff," Garrus said.

"Sure it is. I patched you guys up with this dozens of times, remember?"

"A bullet wound is much different from a broken limb."

"Just go with it, alright?" Shepard said.

Tali let out a small moan, and then began to stir.

"Keelah," she said, "I feel like I'm going to be sick."

"Tali?" Shepard asked, causing her to turn towards him.

"Shepard," she said, before collapsing into a mad fit of giggles, "you're purple, you know? You aren't supposed to be purple. And you aren't supposed to have three arms, either."

"Is she going to be okay?" Garrus asked.

"She's fine, it's just a side effect of the medi-gel," Shepard deadpanned. "Tali, you're fine, right?"

She laughed for a few more seconds before answering. "I can see into _forever_."

"Yeah, she's fine," Shepard said. "Come on, Tali. We're getting you out of here."

"Really?" she asked, sounding disappointed. "But it's soooo warm!" she said, extending her hands towards the burning skycar.

Shepard helped her to her feet, and caught her as she began to collapse to the ground again.

"Careful, Tali," he said, as he draped one of her arms over his shoulder to steady her.

"I don't need to be careful, I have Chatika," she said, before shouting, "go for the optics!"

Shepard was about to ask her to calm down, when he heard something outside the door. He motioned for Garrus to duck beneath one of the cubicles, and gently lowered Tali down onto the floor.

"Shep-ard," she said, as he propped her up against a wall, "now isn't the time to do _that_! Besides, I need to take off my suit first."

"Tali, I love you and everything, but please, for the love of all that is holy, be quiet!" Shepard hissed.

She raised one of her arms towards him, but thankfully remained silent. Shepard breathed a sigh of relief, and then nodded towards Garrus, who took up a position next to the door. Garrus pressed his head up against the door, but almost immediately was forced to pull back, as the door slammed open.

"Search this room!" a vorcha said, as he and several others funneled into the office, weapons drawn.

Shepard swore under his breath. The three of them were unarmed, and if any of them so much as made a sound, there was a good chance that they would all be discovered. Garrus, thankfully, seemed to realize this, and made his move.

Once the last vorcha had entered the room, Garrus moved from his position behind the door, and wrapped his arm around its neck, choking it. The sound of its struggles alerted the others, but by the time they had turned around, the turian had already wrenched the Tempest submachine gun from their comrade's hand.

Garrus held down the trigger, and watched as two of the vorcha fell. The other five scattered, seeking refuge behind one of the many cubicles. He pressed the gun against his hostage's head and fired, then dove for cover, intent on getting out of the soon-to-be kill zone.

Shepard, meanwhile, couldn't believe his luck. One of the vorcha had taken cover directly in front of his cubicle. If he could get to it, then he would be able to help Garrus shoot their way out. He took a deep breath, then climbed on top of the desk and vaulted over the cubicle. He landed on his unfortunate victim's head, which brought both of them down to the ground. Shepard quickly reached for the weapon, and felt his fingers wrap around the distinctive grip of a Predator pistol. He turned back toward the vorcha, and fired four shots point-blank into its head. Blood splattered against the wall, and he reached for a thermal clip to replace the current one. Instead, he ended up grabbing the alien's grenade belt.

He grinned when he realized what he had. "Garrus!" he shouted, "stay down!"

If the turian heard him, he didn't respond. Shepard quickly popped his head up, and got a quick look at a few of his enemies hiding behind cover. He pulled three grenades off the belt, and began to throw them. The first one landed right in front of a vorcha, who had just enough time to realize what was about to happen before being blown to bits. The second one landed a little ways off from its intended target, and did nothing other than decimate several cubicles, and make a lot of noise. The third, however, was what did the most damage. Some of the vorcha must have been carrying flamethrowers, because when the third grenade went off, they were treated not to an explosion, but a fireball, which managed to consume most of the remaining enemy forces. Of the three left, two were incinerated.

Shepad looked around for the third, but was forced to duck back into cover when a spray of automatic fire cut through his cover. A stray round skimmed across his arm, and he grunted at the pain. This burst was met with an entirely different sounding burst met of fire, which Shepard guessed could have only come from Garrus. His suspicions were answered when the turian in question poked his head around the corner.

"Everything okay over here?" he asked.

"Fine. Bastard got me in the arm, but it's not too bad," Shepard said, as he rose to his feet. "Let's get Tali, and then get to Aria."

"Aria?" Garrus asked, as he watched his friend duck behind the cubicles to retrieve their squadmate.

"Yeah, Aria," Shepard said, as he helped Tali to her feet. "These guys have managed to piss me off, so I want them to suffer for it. We're going to get to Aria, tell her about the spoons, and then let everyone know that the manufacturer is a bag of dicks."

"Shepard, look at the pretty lights!" Tali said, as she pointed at the rapidly-spreading fire in the center of the room.

"I see it, Tali. Let's get out of here before I die of smoke inhalation," Shepard said, as he opened the door.

The outside seemed to be clear, and he lowered his gun upon seeing that it was. He motioned for Garrus to follow him, then made his way down the hall, towards the next set of stairs. Thankfully, they weren't too far up, so it wouldn't take long to get to the ground floor.

"It's a wonder the police or fire department isn't here yet!" Garrus whispered, as he formed up alongside Shepard.

"It's Omega, Garrus. I don't think there is a fire department. As for the police, the only ones we've seen so far were fake, so my hopes for them are pretty much nonexistent," Shepard said, as he pushed open a door.

Thankfully, this one seemed to lead to the outside. Shepard breathed a sigh of relief. Now, all they had to do was find transportation. He looked around, and found a skycar sitting unattended in one of the parking spots. No doubt it was the same car the vorcha had used to follow them. He motioned towards the car, and the three of them piled into it.

Shepard buckled Tali in, then switched over to the driver's seat. "Right," he said, as he started the car, "let's get to Aria."

"Might want to make that fast," Garrus said, as he looked behind them.

"They're following us, aren't they?" Shepard asked.

"Damn right."

"Fuck," he said, as he started the car. "Hang on, I'm going to try and lose them in the traffic."

The car rose up into the air, and Shepard aimed straight towards a line of cars. He managed to come up alongside them and turned the wheel sharply to the left, allowing him to slip into the traffic as the skycars entered a tunnel. Unfortunately, none of their pursuers were fazed, and followed them quite easily.

"Shit, these guys are good," Shepard said.

"This car got any weapons?" Garrus asked.

Shepard shook his head. "None that I can see."

Garrus grunted. "Slow down a bit."

"You going to try what I think you're going to try?"

"Hell yeah," the turian said, as he brought up his Tempest SMG.

Shepard did as he asked, and cut the speed. Some of the cars behind him honked their horns, but he ignored them. A few seconds later, a car full of vorcha pulled up alongside them. They aimed their weapons at the car, but Garrus beat them all to it. He unloaded his submachine gun into the car, not letting his finger off the trigger until the gun was empty. The driver's side window shattered from the sustained fire, allowing all of them a glimpse at the driver as his head was split open from the impact of a half-dozen rounds at close range. The driver collapsed against the dashboard, and the car began to plummet downwards.

Tali, still high out of her mind, laughed uncontrollably at the sight.

"Alright, that should make things easier for a bit," Garrus said, as he replaced the spent thermal clip with a fresh one.

"Subtle," Shepard said, as he brought the car back up to a normal speed.

"What, were you expecting something different? They're dead, at least," Garrus said.

"Fine," Shepard said, "but if this comes back to bite us in the ass, you're going to deal with it, not me."

* * *

The entrance to Afterlife was packed, no doubt with people who couldn't wait to experience a small taste of the rich life. Eager hopefuls formed a very sharply-dressed line that stretched around the corner, and was made up of just about every species under the sun. The line was so long, in fact, that even people on the VIP list were being told to wait, though they would receive first priority if any tables opened up. None of this mattered to Shepard, of course, since he had found another, more suitable entrance.

Namely, the skylight.

The car crashed through the ceiling, raining bits of concrete, steel, and glass down upon the unfortunate people below, many of whom simply sat there and continued to eat their overpriced food, since self-preservation takes a backseat to getting your money's worth.

Aria's guards shouldered their assault rifles, prepared to engage the threat floating in the middle of the restaurant. When the skycar's doors opened, she waved her hand, ordering them to stand down.

"Aria, don't use those spoons!" Shepard called.

"Is there a reason why you just crashed a car through my ceiling?" Aria asked.

"You're mad, I can tell. Before you flay me alive with your mind, let me explain," Shepard said.

"It was the vorcha! It's always been the vorcha!" Tali said, flailing her arms around.

"Kind of, yeah," Shepard said, surprised. "Anyway, you can't use those spoons we delivered to you."

"Why not?" Aria asked.

"Because almost all of them are pure lead, and will kill whoever tries to eat with them. Wait, we're not too late, are we? Because we had to do some impromptu medical work, and that took a bit longer than we thought it would," he said, as he gestured to Tali, who was humming loudly and playing with some loose wires hanging out of the back of one of the chairs. It would have been cute, if they weren't trying to save hundreds of people.

"No, we haven't mixed them in with the other silverware yet. Where the hell did you hear that, anyway?" Aria asked.

"Good authority. By the way, you need to tell me more about potential threats. I won't go into details, but thank fuck for crazy homeless people."

Aria sighed. "It's never normal around here, is it? Fine, give me a moment," she said, as she began typing out a message on her omni-tool.

"Sorry about the skylight, by the way."

"Just once I'd like you to stop by without completely destroying something of mine," Aria said, as she sent her message.

"Who you messaging?" Shepard asked.

"Head chef. Told him not to use the spoons, because they're poisonous. I would thank you, if there wasn't a car floating in the middle of my restaurant."

"Right. I'll just be leaving, then," Shepard said, as he shut the doors.

"That went well," Garrus said, as the skycar flew back out the way it came.

"Better than I thought it would, honestly. I thought she'd be mad about the skylight," Shepard said.

"Why did you do that, anyway?"

"It felt right at the time. Plus, fuck lines."

"I see."

"No you don't."

"Fuck you."

"No you won't."

Garrus frowned. "I'm not sure how to respond to that."

Shepard chuckled. "I know. Let's get back to the ship, and make some room in the cargo hold for this car."

"Wait, we're taking the car?"

"Fuck yeah, we're taking the car. We can sell this thing for a few thousand credits."

"Makes sense, I guess."

Tali let out a loud moan, and Shepard quickly turned to look at her.

"Where am I?" she asked.

"You're in a skycar, headed back to the ship. You feeling okay?" Shepard asked.

"No," she said. "What happened? I remember trying to choke out a krogan with my legs, but after that, it's all a blur. Keelah, why does my head hurt so much?"

"Medi-gel high. Leaves you with the worst headache of your life. You broke your leg, by the way," Shepard explained.

"Again?" she asked.

Shepard nodded. "Did I at least knock out the krogan?" Tali asked.

"No, but you did give a homeless guy enough time to shoot him in the head and steal his credit chit, so it worked out. We could have used you during the vorcha ambush, though."

"Vorcha ambush?"

"Yeah, vorcha ambush. Garrus, why don't you explain?"

"Fine," the turian said. "We crashed the skycar into the Fornax building."

"You mean _you _crashed the skycar into the Fornax building," Shepard corrected.

Garrus glared at him, but continued with the story. "Anyway, we managed to get the omni-cuffs off, then fixed your leg. You have a suit puncture, by the way. Left leg. You should probably fix that."

Tali looked down, and spotted the tear in question. She fished around in one of her pockets for the small repair kit she carried with her at all times, then set about fixing it.

Garrus continued, "We got ambushed by vorcha after that. Pretty sure I killed the most."

"That's bullshit, but go on," Shepard said.

"Not much to say after that. We told Aria about the spoons, you came down from your high, and here we are now," Garrus said.

"That was a surprisingly simple explanation," Tali said, as she finished her repair.

Garrus shrugged. "Not a whole lot happened. Lots of talking, though."

"Anything good?"

"Not really. Shepard, are we almost there?"

"Yeah, about a minute or two."

"Good. This whole day has been just one big fuckup. Have I mentioned that I kind of hate you for getting me into this mess?" Garrus said.

"Come on, you got to kill people. It wasn't all bad," Shepard said, as he landed next to the ship. "Besides, this was just day one. You think this was bad, we're going to need to get work somewhere, and I doubt Aria will be as generous as she was before we drove a car through her restaurant."

"What are you thinking?" Tali asked.

"We're going to have to dig up some old contacts, and see what they've got for us," Shepard said.

"Like who?"

"Hell if I know. Let's go through the list, shall we? The six of you are all out, as are Jack, Jacob, and Miranda, due to reasons of Alliance surveillance. Grunt is probably having a ridiculous amount of sex right now, so he's out. Aria probably won't want to talk to me again for a few months, so she's out."

"Maybe it'd be easier to go through the list of people who actually can help us," Garrus said.

"Fine. Samara might be able to, but I'm afraid that she'll turn my skin inside out if I reveal that we stole the ship, so she's our backup plan. Actually, she's more like the backup plan to the backup plan's backup plan. I don't want to deal with her, is what I'm trying to say."

"Get on with it," Tali said, impatiently.

"See, here's where things hit a snag. I haven't thought that far ahead," Shepard said.

Tali groaned. "This was a spur-of-the-moment sort of thing, wasn't it?"

"Pretty much, yeah. I'm surprised Aria actually had work for us. I'll have to send her a gift basket or something."

"Shepard!"

"Relax, okay? It's under control. I'm sure someone will be there to help us."

"And what if no one is?" Garrus asked.

Shepard paused. "Then it'll be a really short trip, won't it?" he asked.


End file.
